Ellery Scrimp (6-8)

Ellery Scrimp, is one wicked beast.  Not nasty, nor spiteful, but evil!  Diseased!

He lives, by himself, in a festering castle.  He sits counting cash.  He’s one mean old rascal.

His fortress resides on the edge of a town, and that’s where he plots about bringing folk down.

He dreams of creating the world’s largest pancake.  Stuffed full with the townsfolk to feed to his pet snake.

He thinks about boiling their eyeballs in butter, to sink on the golf green with his rusty putter.

He wouldn’t think twice about squashing a cat, on the grizzly grill of his huge cadillac.

And he sure wouldn’t mind about kicking a dog, or shoving a granny face-first in a bog.

You see Scrimp is quite simply the nastiest man.  Can you think of a worse one?  I don’t think you can.

One day when Old Scrimp was out coasting along, in his boat of car, he was singing a song,

About orphans in dungeons and lions in cages and terrible battles that ran through the ages. 

He was just warming up to his favourite part, where a warrior king was harpooned through the heart,

When his car started shaking and swerved off the track and the ground opened-up and swallowed him back.

He plummeted south, headlong through the mud, through layers of earth and stinking old crud.

The car windows cracked when he finally landed, with a bang in the dirt.  Old Scrimp, he was stranded!

“What is this place?  How far have I fallen?”  “And what is that smell?  It’s completely appalling”

As his old wrinkled eyes got used to the light, Scrimp finally made out a terrible sight.

He suddenly realised just what had unfurled: he’d dropped miles through earth to the great Underworld!

The floor seemed to move, recoiling and writhing.  The sky was all black, he could hear creatures hiding

Just out of his sight, but not very far, they slithered and snarled and surrounded the car

Things bubbled and snickered and grumbled and howled.  Far off in the distance, something large growled.

Scrimp whimpered and sniveled, he begged and he pleaded.  He cried to a mother he’d not before needed

As pustulous globules and dribbling crocs, licked at his windows and pulled at the locks.

Scrimp cowered inside for hours and hours, brief sleep bringing dreams of pink 

kittens and flowers

But when he awoke he was still stuck in hell, and what made things worse, there was no one to tell

Poor old man Scrimp, so pathetic and scared.  If he’d known this would happen he’d never have dared

To be quite so evil and wicked and mean, I’m sure he’d have tried more to keep himself clean.
If only he’d realised that no one should be, quite as smelly and nasty and wicked as he.

So he sobbed and he had a good think about things, with remorse he decided on whole new beginnings

He promised to be nice and share out his money, he promised he’d go home and try to be funny.

He swore that he’d soak in the tub twice a week and invite people over to play hide and seek.

His sobs were so loud that a kind spirit heard, and decided to give him the chance he deserved.

So suddenly everything turned to a flash.  With a WHIZZ and a BANG he was home with his cash!

With pure joy he yelled out “Wohooo, oh my goodness!  I seem to have found my way back to my fortress.

What a clever old goat I am to escape, from that terrible place with no more than a scrape

I tricked them I did and I made them all think, that I was so sorry, that I’d fix my stink.

But I won’t start smiling or sharing my loot, and I won’t go washing, not even one boot!”

He danced and he jigged with such wild abandon, he just didn’t notice his trousers come undone. 

So when he leapt over his loot to the stairs, he didn’t suspect he’d trip-up on his flares.

With a scream and a bang, he fell down five flights, the details of which might well ladder ones tights!

And where do you think that goose found his soul?  Why, back in the dark, scary land down the hole.